


about this strange weather

by zaynsteenyknees



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, just general feeling bad, louis is so sad and a lot of other things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 09:50:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4602231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaynsteenyknees/pseuds/zaynsteenyknees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He mentions it to Zayn. “Do you think I’m crazy for getting annoyed at Liam for being too nice to me?”</p>
<p>Liam loves Louis and Louis has to move past his guilt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	about this strange weather

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure how to go about tagging so be WARNED this fic deals with Louis's emotions in the extreme abstract, but still Louis goes through feelings of guilt for being loved and cared about. He feels worthless and just sad. If you think that might be too much for you to deal with please don't read this.   
> [Title is from Lana Del Rey's Shades of Cool]

Liam is sweaty and Louis is tired. It isn’t a new phenomenon. Most mornings start like this, Liam will be shirtless smiling near the kitchen counter, his shirt strewn across one shoulder as he pours boiling water into a mug. He’ll walk the steaming mug to the bedroom and gently wake a grumpy Louis and give him the tea and a kiss before he heads to the shower.

It’s not that Louis is ungrateful, but he wants Liam to sleep in. He wants to roll over and wake his boyfriend up with a blowjob every once in a while. He doesn’t think he is asking for too much, but Liam is always up and running, literally running, before Louis can even think about opening his eyes.

It’s not just the morning tea either. It’s the way Liam always holds the door for Louis. It’s the way he pushes in Louis’s chair when they go out to eat. It’s the way he waits for Louis to come home on a night out before going to sleep, when Louis is always sleeping in bed by the time Liam comes home.

═

He mentions it to Zayn. “Do you think I’m crazy for getting annoyed at Liam for being too nice to me?”

“Yeah.”

And that’s the end of it.  

═

It’s not the end of it.

It  gets worse on Tuesday. Louis and Liam are sitting in the kitchen. Louis is practically sleeping with his eyes open, his hands holding onto his mug for dear life. Liam is smiling as he scrolls through Twitter or Instagram or some other medium on which Liam is happy and sweet and perfect.

“Lou, you feelin’ alright?” Louis groans. He wants to scream at the sincerity behind Liam’s words. It’s 7 in the morning and Liam cares about him.

“I’m fine, Leemo. How about you focus on your abs instead of me, yeah?”

It wasn’t too mean, but it was biting, and Louis knows it. He sees the way Liam flinches. The way he coils back and how he doesn’t smile as he looks down and scrolls.

Louis hates it. He hates how he makes Liam feel like this, when all Liam does is try to make Louis’s life better. He leaves the table and goes to shower.

When he gets out Liam is gone, but there is a lunch packed on the counter with a sticky note, “LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY ABS XO”. It makes me Louis scream. He crumbles up the note, and shoves the brown paper bag into his briefcase before leaving for work.

═

“You’re honestly insane, mate,” Niall says as he takes a bite out of his sandwich. “Liam adores you. I don’t see the problem.”

“That is the problem. He is always there and he cares for me so much.”

“Those don’t sound like problems. Zayn told me you were being weird, but we thought you’d be over it by now.” Louis is taken aback because when did Zayn start telling Niall things about him, but more importantly he is upset because no one seems to understand the problem.

═

Louis gets home before Liam and immediately takes Loki for a walk. He normally doesn’t, Liam does, but at least it will give him time to avoid Liam and try to figure this all out in his head.

When Liam and Louis started dating Louis loved how Liam treated him. He loved the kindness. It was the first relationship in which Louis felt like he was truly loved. Louis accepting that Liam’s intentions were real and pure caused enough fights between the two. Louis worries if he voices his current feelings to Liam this might be the end.

He gets home and Liam is on the couch, eyebrows furrowed. “I was worried. You weren’t here, and then you didn’t answer my texts, but Loki was gone so I calmed down. You just went for a walk, right? You’re okay?”

Louis just bends down and undoes Loki’s leash. “I’m fine.” He realizes it is the only thing he has said to Liam lately. He doesn’t know what else to say. Is he supposed to tell Liam he wishes he was a worse boyfriend. That he wishes Liam cared less. Before another thought can even enter his mind Liam’s arms are wrapped around his waist and his head is in Louis’s neck.

“Do you want to watch a movie and cuddle?” The words are all muffled, but Louis accepts anyway. Half way through Liam gets up to make mac and cheese and Louis wants to cry because Liam doesn’t eat things like this. He’s doing it because he thinks Louis is sad, and that makes Louis want to cry harder. By the time Liam comes back with two bowls and a smile, Louis is crying.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” Liam asks worriedly as he discards the bowls on the coffee table and scoops Louis into his lap on the couch.

Louis doesn’t say anything, he just burrows his head into Liam’s neck, hot tears on hot skin. The words bubble up in the back of Louis’s throat and every time he swallows them back down. They burn like acid as they are buried, further and further each time. He feels so stupid for letting it all get like this, and now Liam is cornered. For a  brief second he considers lying, telling Liam he is tired, that work is getting to him, that he just needs to sleep. But he can’t. He can’t lie to Liam. Liam has never done anything to hurt him, at least not purposely.

He needs to confess to Liam.

He opens his mouth and all that comes out is a croak. He doesn’t think Liam has ever looked more concerned for him, and that makes Louis’s skin crawl. He wonders if he could just run away. He knows Liam wouldn’t let him. It comforting and terrifying all at once.

Louis feels like the world is crashing in on him. He can’t breathe but he only feels guilty for wasting Liam’s time.

Liam doesn’t let him go. He just coaches him through this until he is breathing well again. Louis gasps and then his chest falls back into a steady rhythm. His hands are shaking and his face is red. Liam doesn’t let him go.

When Louis’s mouth falls open again the only thing to slip out is, “I love you so much.” Liam laughs and kisses his forehead. Louis knows Liam doesn’t understand the weight of the words, but for Liam loving is easy. Louis thinks about how loving Liam hasn’t been hard either, it’s the being loved back. For so  long Louis had hurt. He still does, but it’s different now. He thinks that scares him too.

“You love me.” Louis lets out the words, but they are quiet and sound muffled by his own mouth.

“Of course I love you.”

Louis wants to correct him, let him know it wasn’t a question. It was a statement. Liam loves him. He knows Liam loves him. But the words slipped out of Liam’s mouth so easily, so gently that Louis doesn’t have the heart to correct him.

“You’re too good for me.”

It’s the most truthful thing Louis has said to Liam in weeks. He thinks he can hear Liam mutter, “It’s not true,” but he’s not really listening.

He let’s the silence fill the room and all the spaces between them. Louis sees it pushing them apart, and Liam sees it as pushing them closer.

Liam speaks again, and all the pressure dissipates. He just asks Louis to be honest with him, and so Louis tries. He tells Liam everything about how he has felt recently. He recites his conversation to Niall. Every other sentence is filled in with things like “I know it’s stupid,” or, “It’s weird, but like.” It all hurts as it comes to the surface. It all hurts as it heals. Louis explains that sometimes Liam’s love makes him feel guilty, and how he knows he doesn’t deserve to be loved, especially not liked, but Liam shakes his head and hugs him.

“Lou, I-” Liam is struggling. It’s obvious. It’s not his fault he can’t understand. Louis is happy Liam hasn’t felt like this. Liam wishes he had so he could help. “Do you want me to be meaner to you?”

Louis smiles. “No, I just...It’s a lot for me, you know, to be cared for like this. I don’t deserve it.” I don’t deserve you.

Liam argues and Louis tries to explain.

It takes all night, but Louis thinks Liam might get it, he also thinks maybe he does deserve Liam. He knows it’s not over. He knows some mornings he will wake up and will feel guilty when Liam’s lip brush over his, but he also knows most nights he will go to bed wrapped in Liam’s arms with a smile on his face and that makes it all easier for him to take. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you actually read this THANK YOU. I don't remember how it came about and there was zero planning and it was a lil cathartic journaling basically. ALSO if you have any suggestions about additional things I could tag to make this more safely labeled for the internet please let me know.  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated. Follow me on tumblr @zaynsteenyknees if you so wish.


End file.
